conversations and revelations

The past few weeks have been real tough for me. Well actually the past couple of months have been difficult and full of circustances that I just didn't know how to deal with. I have this reoccuring problem of thinking that I can do everything on my own and have been constantly reminded that I need to rely on God. He's got my back and knows what is best for me. I have been so blessed to have the amount of incredible people in my life that I do in Charlotte. When I first moved here 7 months I thought I'd never be apart of a close community of friends but God has this incredible way of placing people in your life at the time you need them.

I love having deep/ below the surface conversations with people and the past few weeks have been full of just that. I've been almost seeking out how to make these life changing chats happen because my life is absolutely insane and I am having to make decsisions and doing things that I never thought I'd be doing right now. Some of the conversations haven't been easy and a few were even a bit awkward but each have caused me to think about my life and the lives of the people that I love.

I've even had a few revelations come from these chats. One thing I learned is I am a hot mess and a bit crazy but guess what?? So is everyone else! No one has it together but we are all act like it because we are afraid to let down our guard and let others into the craziness of our life. I have to stop acting like I don't need anyone else and stop being afraid to let people love me.

That leads me to my second thing-I need to let people love me. It sounds simple but for some reason I am having a hard time grasping the concept. It's always been a re-occuring theme in my life. I don't love who I am so I can't even fathom how anyone else could love me. I'm not the only one who struggles with this, many girls I know deal with the same issue and it makes me so sad. God created each of us in His own image. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made.We are beautiful and fabulous creations of God and we shouldn't insult God by not loving what He created. I know all of these things but I have a hard time of finding my worth in life. I want to work on it but how do you tangibly work on loving yourself?

Revelation #3-Never settle and don't give up on dreams. I feel like people settle and give up too quickly in life. It saddens me to hear people talk about their dreams and goals that they used to have but they have given up on them because they didn't have the confidence to do it or life got in the way. I have so many things that I want to accomplish in my life and I know that some may not happen but I'm going to do my best to make sure that most of them do. I feel like most people don't reach their full potential. I am surrouned by folks everyday who could do amazing things but because society tells them that they have to have a certain type of job, car and house and they don't end up reaching their potential or doing things they feel the passion to do. Each of us are made for so much more that what we are doing right now in our lives.

Numero 4-life is too short. I know it's a bit cliche but it's so true. Life is entirely too short to be sad all the time. Or to get upset about the little things that don't really matter. Relationships, friendships, jobs and lives in general end too quickly and we need to spend time loving those around us and enjoying the life that God has given us. I'm done being sad or mad about things that I can't change. Life isn't always awesome but we still need to enjoy it and be thankful that God has blessed us with another day. If you are struggling to love life I reccomened coloring, going to the park to swing or randomly bust out in song and dance....these are things that help me :)

There are many more mini revelations I could share but I'll save that for another time.

Hugs Hugs Hugs!

"Ms. Becky your hair feels like a bunny." Will you be my best friend?" "Can I come stay at your house?" "You wanna come over and play video games, my mom will cook us dinner?"

Oh how I love kids. Those quotes are from kids at the elementary school in our neighborhood Every Wednesday (and other days if possible) I go there to hang out/tutor a few kids. I am also a lunch buddy to a precious little 7 year old girl named Queen. She is quite possibly the cutest and funniest kid I know. I love spending time with her and the other kids in her class.

I went there today to have lunch with Queen and as I walked in the front doors as Queen and her class were lining up in the hall to go in the cafeteria and when they all saw me they started screaming, MS. BECKY!!!!!! and about 15 kids flocked to me hugging me and touching my hair and begging me to sit next to them. They all know that when I come there I sit next to Queen but they always fight over who is going to sit in the other seat next to me. I wore my hair straight today (which is a rare occasion) and this one lil girl kept touching it and she was the one who said it felt like a bunny. Such funny kids!

Life has been insane lately and I have been feeling pretty low and depressed but going to the school today really helped me a lot. I can't help but love all those kids and being around them and receiving all the 50+ hugs I get every time I'm there puts a smile on my face. Today we talked alot about mommy and daddys and they were asking me questions about my parents and if they had the same last name as I did and if I have more than one daddy and if I ever got hit if I did something wrong-it just broke my heart. I usually always end up having really good and sometimes intense converstations with them, especially with Queen. I walked her back to her classroom after lunch and she stopped in the middle of the hall and hugged me for a few minutes and then looked up at me and said, "I love you Becky. You are my best friend." I definitely started crying (Im an emotional mess lately) and just hugged her some more. Hugging is such a beautiful thing, I think that each person should give/recieve at least 5 hugs a day-it just makes you feel so loveable and fantastic so go hug someone right now!!! (ps that's Queen in the pic!)

again I say REJOICE!!

Since I don't have an official office, I work from home, Elevation, local coffee shops and if I don't need my computer, the park. This afternoon I decided I didn't want to work from home anymore so I made my way to my favorite Starbucks. I enjoy all the noises of the coffee grinder, the chatter of friends catching up on life, the huge comfy chair I'm sitting in, the wonderful smell of coffee and the warmth of the sunshine streaming in on me through the window-all while listening to some Kirk Franklin. I do love me some gospel. Sigh.....life is good.

For the first time in a long time I feel content, at peace...a true sense of happiness. I know that happiness definitely can be determined by circumstance but I am happy and I am going to soak it in. I've been working on having joy no matter what craziness life may bring. It's been challenging but knowing that God is faithful really helps. Work is crazy right now and I try not to worry too much on the future of Mission Year in Charlotte. I know that it is in God's hands and I trust that He has plan that exceeds anything that I could dream up. I feel a peace about the future and life in Charlotte, it's something I can't really explain but I am very thankful for it. I am slowly learning how to let go of every aspect of my life and let God be in control.

life after love week

It's been over a month since I've blogged-I'm such a slacker! There has been a lot going on lately, I'll try to give a quick overview. Love Week happened and it was a huge success!! I'm not sure if I have mentioned Love Week before but basically it was a week long volunteer event at Elevation. The idea was to have at least 5,000 people from Elevation volunteer 5,000 hours at various organizations around the city in one week-yes, it was as crazy as it sounds! I was one of the people that were running it/ in charge of everything....I pretty much got no sleep that week but it was worth it. All the several months of hard work and planning paid off. We exceeded our goal and had a total of 10,5581 volunteer hours served in Charlotte that week! We made over 12,000 sandwiches for the homeless, rebuilt playgrounds, cleaned up parks, painted, sorted clothes, scrubbed walls, picked up trash, served food, did extreme makeovers to offices, worked in schools and much more all in that week. Plus we were on the news and radio multiple times!

I wasn't sure what I thought of Love Week when I was first asked to help out. I'm not a fan of making sure everyone knows how many good things you are doing for others and I don't like when people think that volunteering for one hour every few months is all they need to do. My goals and ideas on success for Love Week were a bit different than most everyone's else's. I not only wanted to have my events run smoothly with a ton of people but also to open their eyes to the needs of the city. I wanted to make sure people understood who they were serving and how real homelessness and poverty is. I wanted people not to feel sorry for them but to see the face of God in them and allow God's pure and amazing love to shine through them. People began to ask questions about homelessness, injustices, poverty and how to love others who are different than us-it was so great! I absolutely love talking about those things! It's my hope that the people from Elevation will continue to volunteer and serve in Charlotte.

Even though Love Week was crazy, there were several fun things that helped me to stay sane and stress free: v-day package from my momma, swinging with Sam, coffee dates, playing in the snow, lunch with Queen, v-day package from my wonderful ATL friends, bowling, painting rocks, dance parties at Crisis, Lost, and of course many trips to Target. I've been helping plan Love Week since I moved here so life is weird without it. I was sick most of last week which I believe is a result of lack of sleep...no fun. My mom came to visit for a few days-it was sooooo great! That's all for now kids, I need to go to sleep! I promise it won't be a month before I write again....good night!

let it snow!

The past few days have been wonderful! Let's begin with my friend Jason being here for a few days...yay! We worked at the Cafe together during my Mission Year. It's so fun to have him here! Yesterday was my day off so we just kinda hung out around the house for a while, went to Target(of course!) and then went to Urban Ministry to be in a video shoot for Elevation! Yes, a video shoot-I met one of my goals for the year! It was freeeeezing so we took random breaks in the middle of the shoot to go into the art gallery they have and warm up. They have a piano in the gallery and we all just hung out and sang songs....Samantha even played us some tunes! During the video shoot it started to snow!! Sam has never seen snow falling before-it was so fun! Later that night we went to game night that my small group was having and it was snowing like crazy! This morning when we woke up it looked like a winter wonderland! It was so beautiful! We played in it all morning! Kids came over for a while this afternoon and we played Uno! Earlier tonight, Sam and I went sledding and pretend ice skating! We would run and slide along the ice on the road....and I only fell once! Oh we had tacos tonight AND girl scout cookies that Jason brought us-basically life has been great!!I definitely needed a couple of days of fun....now if I could just have a couple of days without working! :) Off to bed I go, have to wake up early for church! Good night!

life........

I just got in from swinging.....yes it's 30 degrees out and after midnight and I was swinging. I've written before that swinging helps me clear my mind and think about things and tonight I definitely needed time away to think. These past few weeks have been unbelievably crazy and at times I find myself feeling lost and uncertain what to do. I'm not a person who cries often but I've cried more in the past few weeks than I have in the past few years. I hate crying, especially in front of people. Tonight I cried three times, two of those times were almost in front of people so I had to get away quickly. Why do I think crying makes me look weak?

I know we aren't always supposed to understand why things happen they way they do but sometimes I just want answers. I did a lot of talking to God tonight while I was swinging. I was hoping for some sort of clarity or answer when I got done......that didn't happen. All I felt was the urge to continue on. I guess that's all I really can do. Life isn't in my control. I don't get to decide what happens when or who it happens to. I can't make people listen to me or do what I want them to just because I think my way is the right way. All I can do is trust that God is in control and He knows what is best for my life. So I'm going to trust. It's hard, so very very hard sometimes but I'm going to do it. After all, The Bible says all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed and we can move mountains.......

2010

One of our neighbors, Darius, came over tonight and asked us what our goals were in 2010. I didn't really have an answer because I don't normally make new year resolutions. I began to think about it all evening and started creating a list of things I would like to accomplish this year. Some are more serious but most are funny and even a bit silly. Here's the list in no particular order:

1. Watch all the Star Wars movies. Yes, I realize I'm lame because I've never seen any of them.

2. Read the Twilight series. I just started the second one...and I love them!

3. Become better at speaking/reading Spanish

4. Take at least 1 vacation that isn't to Indiana.

5. Become a North Carolina resident. I have a hard time committing to a state(that's not IN) but it's time.

6. Learn to truly love myself so I am able to truly love others

7. Read my Bible and pray daily

8. Visit New York, go to a Broadway show and eat a hotdog from a street vendor...with friends!

9. Learn to play the guitar.

10. As well as the drums

11. And the piano

12. Visit Sam and Jaimee in Cali...after Mission Year of course!

13. Recognize my talents and use them to further glorify God

14. Show everyone I meet the love that Christ shows me daily. It's not always easy but I try.

15. Learn Korean. I decided tonight that I think that would be fun.

16. Get over my fear and insecurities of singing in front of people.

17. Learn to accept compliments.

18. Take dance lessons!

19. Give 150% in every relationship I have

20. Allow people to give 150% back to me and not feel bad about it.

21. Take cooking classes. I have taken some in the past and they were so fun!

22. Be in a video at Elevation

23. Spend a week in KY with the coolest mamaw and papaw ever!

That's all for now. More to come!

sabbath

I am watching Sister Act 2 right now. It is one of my favorite movies...no lie! It's full of music, nuns, inner city kids and Whoopi-how much better can you get?

Today is my sabbath and it couldn't have come at a better time. This week has been CRAZY! Most Fridays end up being more work than a sabbath but I decided that I need to take advantage of my day off and spend it resting and doing things that I want to do....I deserve that. So this morning I slept in until 9am (that's late for me!), had breakfast in bed and am watching Sister Act 2. I feel it has been a great way to start the day!

I usually try to spend a portion of every day reading and journaling. On my days off I love going to Target and sitting in the lil cafe area, treating myself to Starbucks and reading. That may sound strange but it's a great place just to hang out and be by myself while still be around others. Today I may also stop by Trader Joe's and pick up my favorite kind of sushi. Yes, I said sushi. I still dislike seafood but I do like the spicy california roll at Trader Joe's-thanks to Christy! Tonight a friend and I are going to go out and about in the great city of Charlotte...I'm pretty excited! :)

Like I said, this week has been absolutely crazy! It's been one of those weeks where I question what I'm doing here and begin wandering if I'm capable of handling all that's been given to me. It's been full of emotional ups and downs- no electricity, an unexpected death,heating problems, team stuff, more responsibilities, boy craziness, money issues...and I've only been back in Charlotte for 6 days!

On the flip side, there has been some wonderful things that have happened this week. Examples: I've grown closer to a friend at Elevation. She was there for me when all the craziness began and has continued to be a great support. It has been some beautiful bonding time! We had a girl over for dinner who is in the process of applying for Mission Year. It was a good time of hanging out and seeing the excitement she has about doing Mission Year in the fall. It helped remind me why I do what I do.

I had lunch with Queen!! It was the first time I'd seen her since Christmas break and it was so much fun! I just love her! Last night we had a guy over for dinner that is interested in Mission Year. I was amazed at his love for the inner city and the desire and passion he had for the homeless population. It was a really good refreshing conversation about issues I am interested in..and with someone my age! That doesn't happen often.

God is working here in Charlotte. I see His beauty and His work daily. He is here in the midst of the good and the bad. He is there to give me confidence when I don't think I can do it. He gives me the courage to do the things that I don't want or am too scared to do. He loves me even when I feel unloved. He has placed incredible people here in my life...people I never thought I would find in Charlotte-and I'm so thankful for that. Happy Friday everyone!!!

We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn.....

Currently I am sitting in a hotel room at Holiday Inn eating pizza(thanks Hubatka!), watching TV and hanging out with Sam and Jaimee. I came back to Charlotte last night and found that we had no electricity at our house-no good! Long story but there was a bit of miscommunication and all will be fixed tomorrow. I spent the night with a friend from Elevation and it was a fantastic time of chatting and hanging out! This morning I went to Elevation and it was so great to be back! I actually missed going to service there! Who would have ever thought I'd say that?!?! The sermon was really good and just what I needed to hear.

2010 has already proven to be crazy and full of unpredictable events.....and it's only January 3rd! I can't wait to see what all God has in store in the upcoming months! I had a wonderful time over Christmas break with all my family and friends. It was a much needed break and a time to think and reflect. There has been a lot going on lately and it was nice to have some time to talk through and think about some issues I have been dealing with.

I should probably go to sleep now.....back to work tomorrow! I'm excited! Good night!