Emotional Mess

I cried today. I've cried many times the past few weeks, and not just a few tears but multiple tears rolling down my cheeks and at times borderline sobbing. For those of you who know me at all you know that I don't cry....especially in front of people. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I think it makes me look weak and vulnerable when I'm supposed to have it together, or maybe it's because I look a hot mess when it happens and who wants that?

Life has been crazy the past few weeks, not really bad, just busy and a lot going on. There have a been a few minor bumps in the road but nothing too major. So why the tears? Not really sure. Elevation sings a song that I absolutely love and it says, "I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart" and I think that is what God is doing. The past few years I have seen and been through a lot that has caused my heart to harden. I've become more cynical and judgmental about churches, the inner city, police, schools, and just people in general. I've built walls around my heart so I don't feel the hurt or the pain.There was so much sadness all around me that I forgot about hope, love, grace, God....all the good stuff.

Today at church Pastor Foo talked about money and tithing. Elevation is building a new campus and it is going to cost a ton of money to build and he is trying to get the congregation pumped up about giving...I'm sure I will talk about that another time. My heart is softening on that subject as well. Then he showed a video of Louie Gigilo reading a journal of a girls journey becoming a Christian. It was a beautiful story and I cried throughout the whole entire thing. I'm pretty sure 90% of the people in the room were also crying. I kinda forgot how beautiful it is to be a Christian. I no longer see God in the same way as a new Christian does. I take advantage of God's love and acceptance of me. At times I forget what Jesus went through when He died on the cross and because of His death and resurrection, I have been forgiven of all my ridiculousness and He loves me always not matter what.

I'm guessing this heart softening thing is going to continue and I'm excited about it! Hopefully I won't turn into an emotional hot mess, but I guess it's possible! On a fun note: Leroy comes tomorrow to visit, I'll be in Atlanta in 5 days and in Indiana in 6 days! Yay for friends and family! :)