This Chrismas

Merry Christmas everyone!! I can't believe another Christmas has come and gone! I was beyond excited to come to Indiana to hang out with my fam and celebrate Christmas and it's kinda sad to me that in 30 minutes it won't be Christmas for 365 more days! This Christmas has been a bit different for me than other one's on the past. Growing up causes somethings to change. I like change and adapt to it well, but there are things that I don't ever want to change and when they do, I have a hard time dealing. This Christmas was also very random for me. There were a few things that happened that were unexpected.

This was the first year we didn't see my grandma on Christmas Eve...she passed away earlier this year. We weren't that close but not seeing her, not getting another change purse (that I would never use) and not forcing myself to eat a piece of her(nasty) fruitcake was sad to me. We had Christmas with sister, Adam and Korbin three days before Christmas because of work and other family commitments. It was a lot of fun butI hated waking up this morning and not having Korbin here to open presents and to play with.

I sang O Holy Night last night at a Christmas Eve service at my parents church. Yes, I sang...by myself...in front of people! I hate singing in front of people so it was a huge deal for me. I got so nervous and scared-so silly of me! I may have volunteered myself (and my momma!) to be bell ringers for the Salvation Army! It was as awesome as it sounds! We got to wish people a Merry Christmas, ring bells and raise money for people in need....and wear cool aprons! I was getting bored with the same usual bell ringing so I jazzed it up a bit and decided to dance and sing-it worked! People actually gave money because of my dancing and singing! And no, the money wasn't for me to stop dancing-I was entertaining! :)

My poor lil Korbin has been sick the past couple of days and we've taken two trips to the ER. He had a 104.7 temp the first night and was just the most pathetic and saddest looking lil peanut you have ever since! We were actually at the ER til 4ish this morning because his temp wasn't staying down. After a couple chest xrays they determined he has pneumonia-so sad!

Fun news....I got a snuggie for Christmas!! Sooo excited! And yes, it is as comfy and practical as the cheesy commercials portray:) In fact, I'm wearing it right now and it's keeping me all warm and cozy!

Welp, off to bed I go. I hope everyone's Christmas was as wonderful, restful and fun as mine was! Sweet dreams!!

Emotional Mess

I cried today. I've cried many times the past few weeks, and not just a few tears but multiple tears rolling down my cheeks and at times borderline sobbing. For those of you who know me at all you know that I don't cry....especially in front of people. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I think it makes me look weak and vulnerable when I'm supposed to have it together, or maybe it's because I look a hot mess when it happens and who wants that?

Life has been crazy the past few weeks, not really bad, just busy and a lot going on. There have a been a few minor bumps in the road but nothing too major. So why the tears? Not really sure. Elevation sings a song that I absolutely love and it says, "I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart" and I think that is what God is doing. The past few years I have seen and been through a lot that has caused my heart to harden. I've become more cynical and judgmental about churches, the inner city, police, schools, and just people in general. I've built walls around my heart so I don't feel the hurt or the pain.There was so much sadness all around me that I forgot about hope, love, grace, God....all the good stuff.

Today at church Pastor Foo talked about money and tithing. Elevation is building a new campus and it is going to cost a ton of money to build and he is trying to get the congregation pumped up about giving...I'm sure I will talk about that another time. My heart is softening on that subject as well. Then he showed a video of Louie Gigilo reading a journal of a girls journey becoming a Christian. It was a beautiful story and I cried throughout the whole entire thing. I'm pretty sure 90% of the people in the room were also crying. I kinda forgot how beautiful it is to be a Christian. I no longer see God in the same way as a new Christian does. I take advantage of God's love and acceptance of me. At times I forget what Jesus went through when He died on the cross and because of His death and resurrection, I have been forgiven of all my ridiculousness and He loves me always not matter what.

I'm guessing this heart softening thing is going to continue and I'm excited about it! Hopefully I won't turn into an emotional hot mess, but I guess it's possible! On a fun note: Leroy comes tomorrow to visit, I'll be in Atlanta in 5 days and in Indiana in 6 days! Yay for friends and family! :)

Thoughts

Christmas earrings? Check. Christmas socks? Check. Red shirt/green puffy vest combo? Check. Hair a curly fro-ish mess with a red ribbon in it? Check. As I look at myself in the mirror I'm reminded of the Full House episode where Kimmy Gibbler has on an ugly tacky Christmas sweater that lights up... or is that her prom dress? Hmm either way I kinda wish I had a piece of clothing that lit up!! I am dressed in this Christmas awesomeness because we( the team and I) are going to A Singing Christmas Tree! That's right, we are going to watch people hanging out in a huge Christmas tree sing Carols and other holiday tunes! I am super pumped!

As most of you know, I love Christmas. Everything about it is so wonderful: lights, ornaments, trees, carols, snow, ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas, traditions, family, friends, parties, cookies...the list could go on and on. This Christmas will be a lil different for me than others have been in the past. My sister is married now and has her own family and they will not be spending Christmas morning with me and the parents. I understand she's all grown up now but not having her or Korbin (Adam too!) there to open presents with will be sad. This is the first year we won't hang out with my grandma on Christmas Eve, she passed away in April.

Like most people, money is a bit tight this year for me. Taking this new job meant making less money than I was and I am completely ok with, but I am starting to feel the effects of the change. I don't have the money to get my family and friends the things I would like to. Christmas presents are going to look a bit different this year than they have in years before. I will be making all of my gifts for the fam and I'm excited about them!

Sometimes I wish I could have more money, not a ton, just enough to have a lil cushion. Money is such an interesting thing to me. It defines many of us and causes us to say or do things that we wouldn't normally do. Not having a ton of money has caused me to rely on God a lot more than I was. I know that Charlotte is where I am supposed to be right now and I have to trust that God's got my back. He has been so faithful to me during this transition. Money also makes me somewhat judgmental and jealous....just being honest. I don't think it's bad to be successful and to have money , and I don't think you should feel bad if you have nice things-just want everyone to know that. I guess I just don't understand how some people can have everything they want and how others work just as hard and can't even make ends meat. I guess I'm not supposed to understand. God has a plan for everyone and some will have quite a bit of money and some will not. I just see so much hurt where I live and it breaks my heart. I

I encourage you to give this Christmas season. Give a coat, socks, toys, groceries, your time or donate to Mission Year! :) Every little bit you give helps someone in need. I'm sure most of you can think of a time when the cupboards were bare, the bills were piled high and you weren't sure how rent was going to get paid, and all you needed was a lil hope and a lil help to get you rolling again. You could be that hope for someone. You could show Christ's love through the act of giving.

Swinging

I love to swing. Samantha loves to swing so pretty much every night Sam and I head up to the park to swing, even when it's freezing outside...like last night. We bundled up by wearing two pairs of pants, 2 shirts, a hoodie, scarf, gloves and winter coat-we looked like Eskimos! Normally I will wear my flip flops but I actually put on socks and real shoes last night, it was 35 degrees! That picture to the left is from a few weeks ago when it wasn't so cold at night. I look forward to this time every evening. Swinging is so freeing and helps clear my mind. It reminds me of God and how awesome he is. I pray a lot while I'm swinging. Sometimes Sam and I swing in silence and sometimes we are chatting the whole time. I really enjoy conversations with her. We talk about family, God, church, neighbors...just life in general. Last night we spent over 2 hours at the park! After our legs were numb from swinging we moved to the play ground and sat on the slides and chatted for a while. We usually see Spider and Darius while we are out there and I know they think we are crazy! We probably are crazy..who really goes to swing in 30 degree weather? We do! And Sam is just as crazy as I am...and that's one of the reasons why I love her! Swinging isn't just for kids or crazy adults who act like kids! I encourage you to find time to go to the park and swing and I you will see why I love it so much!

A lil recap

I can't believe that it is already December 4th! These past few months since being in Charlotte have flown by so quickly! This week has been full of its usual craziness with a twist of being sick. I don't love being sick.... I don't know many people who do. I hate laying around doing nothing and that's what I did Monday. Tuesday I stayed in bed all day but did some emailing and Wednesday I had lunch with Queen and then I was off to Elevation. We had an Uptown Volunteer Event that night that I was helping out with. It was beautifully decorated with white linens, roses, marbles, tea lights and a sparkley (is that a word?) ribbon down the center of the table....and Elevation has these HUGE Christmas trees that are just absolutely gorgeous and went very nicely with our table decor. We had yummy food and a wonderful time of fellowship with other volunteers from Uptown. The band sang some of my favorite songs...it was a very much needed time of worship for me.

Thursday I went back to Elevation and worked on various projects for Chris and Errica. I was asked to be the liaison for Urban Ministries, which is a homeless shelter not far from my house. I have a meeting with them tomorrow afternoon and I'm very excited to start volunteering for them and begin to build relationships! Druid Hills (the elem school in my neighborhood) had their Christmas program last night and let me tell you....it was AWESOME!! Probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen!! Sam and Jaimee work there throughout the week and we all felt like proud parents watching our kids sing! Queen's class did a hip-hop rendition of Rudolph and it was HILARIOUS!!! I wish you all could have seen it. She was soo good in it too! Sister can move!

There were cookies and stuff after the program and Queen ran up and hugged me and I saw her dad and a few of her siblings. I just love that little girl. Her birthday is next Wednesday and I am bringing cupcakes for her class and we are going to have a lil party....so excited!

After the program we came home and ate some leftover pizza and pasta (thank you Elevation!) and then Sam and I rode the bus into Uptown (aka dowtown Charlotte) and roamed around for a bit and saw some of the most beautiful Christmas lights! Right as we got off the bus we heard a very loud voice singing from across the street so we went to check it out. It was an older gentleman singing gospel songs...he even played the saxophone! It was so fun to hang out and listen to him for a while.

I found it interesting that the only people (besides Sam and I) that were standing there were homeless guys. A few came over and talked to us for a lil bit and they didn't even ask us for money, which surprised me a bit. However we did get approached multiple times by people asking us for money while we were walking around. I always feel this combination of annoyance, sympathy and guilt when I'm asked for change and I say no. I never give anyone money, I will buy food but will never give money...just my rule for myself. If I know about a place nearby that is serving a meal I will try to direct them there. It's always hard though, especially on chilly nights like last night.

The next few weeks are going to be busy busy busy! Please keep myself, Sam, Jaimiee and Barak in your prayers for energy, endurance, love, patience and good attitudes as we go throughout these next couple weeks before Christmas break.