let it snow!

The past few days have been wonderful! Let's begin with my friend Jason being here for a few days...yay! We worked at the Cafe together during my Mission Year. It's so fun to have him here! Yesterday was my day off so we just kinda hung out around the house for a while, went to Target(of course!) and then went to Urban Ministry to be in a video shoot for Elevation! Yes, a video shoot-I met one of my goals for the year! It was freeeeezing so we took random breaks in the middle of the shoot to go into the art gallery they have and warm up. They have a piano in the gallery and we all just hung out and sang songs....Samantha even played us some tunes! During the video shoot it started to snow!! Sam has never seen snow falling before-it was so fun! Later that night we went to game night that my small group was having and it was snowing like crazy! This morning when we woke up it looked like a winter wonderland! It was so beautiful! We played in it all morning! Kids came over for a while this afternoon and we played Uno! Earlier tonight, Sam and I went sledding and pretend ice skating! We would run and slide along the ice on the road....and I only fell once! Oh we had tacos tonight AND girl scout cookies that Jason brought us-basically life has been great!!I definitely needed a couple of days of fun....now if I could just have a couple of days without working! :) Off to bed I go, have to wake up early for church! Good night!

life........

I just got in from swinging.....yes it's 30 degrees out and after midnight and I was swinging. I've written before that swinging helps me clear my mind and think about things and tonight I definitely needed time away to think. These past few weeks have been unbelievably crazy and at times I find myself feeling lost and uncertain what to do. I'm not a person who cries often but I've cried more in the past few weeks than I have in the past few years. I hate crying, especially in front of people. Tonight I cried three times, two of those times were almost in front of people so I had to get away quickly. Why do I think crying makes me look weak?

I know we aren't always supposed to understand why things happen they way they do but sometimes I just want answers. I did a lot of talking to God tonight while I was swinging. I was hoping for some sort of clarity or answer when I got done......that didn't happen. All I felt was the urge to continue on. I guess that's all I really can do. Life isn't in my control. I don't get to decide what happens when or who it happens to. I can't make people listen to me or do what I want them to just because I think my way is the right way. All I can do is trust that God is in control and He knows what is best for my life. So I'm going to trust. It's hard, so very very hard sometimes but I'm going to do it. After all, The Bible says all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed and we can move mountains.......

2010

One of our neighbors, Darius, came over tonight and asked us what our goals were in 2010. I didn't really have an answer because I don't normally make new year resolutions. I began to think about it all evening and started creating a list of things I would like to accomplish this year. Some are more serious but most are funny and even a bit silly. Here's the list in no particular order:

1. Watch all the Star Wars movies. Yes, I realize I'm lame because I've never seen any of them.

2. Read the Twilight series. I just started the second one...and I love them!

3. Become better at speaking/reading Spanish

4. Take at least 1 vacation that isn't to Indiana.

5. Become a North Carolina resident. I have a hard time committing to a state(that's not IN) but it's time.

6. Learn to truly love myself so I am able to truly love others

7. Read my Bible and pray daily

8. Visit New York, go to a Broadway show and eat a hotdog from a street vendor...with friends!

9. Learn to play the guitar.

10. As well as the drums

11. And the piano

12. Visit Sam and Jaimee in Cali...after Mission Year of course!

13. Recognize my talents and use them to further glorify God

14. Show everyone I meet the love that Christ shows me daily. It's not always easy but I try.

15. Learn Korean. I decided tonight that I think that would be fun.

16. Get over my fear and insecurities of singing in front of people.

17. Learn to accept compliments.

18. Take dance lessons!

19. Give 150% in every relationship I have

20. Allow people to give 150% back to me and not feel bad about it.

21. Take cooking classes. I have taken some in the past and they were so fun!

22. Be in a video at Elevation

23. Spend a week in KY with the coolest mamaw and papaw ever!

That's all for now. More to come!

sabbath

I am watching Sister Act 2 right now. It is one of my favorite movies...no lie! It's full of music, nuns, inner city kids and Whoopi-how much better can you get?

Today is my sabbath and it couldn't have come at a better time. This week has been CRAZY! Most Fridays end up being more work than a sabbath but I decided that I need to take advantage of my day off and spend it resting and doing things that I want to do....I deserve that. So this morning I slept in until 9am (that's late for me!), had breakfast in bed and am watching Sister Act 2. I feel it has been a great way to start the day!

I usually try to spend a portion of every day reading and journaling. On my days off I love going to Target and sitting in the lil cafe area, treating myself to Starbucks and reading. That may sound strange but it's a great place just to hang out and be by myself while still be around others. Today I may also stop by Trader Joe's and pick up my favorite kind of sushi. Yes, I said sushi. I still dislike seafood but I do like the spicy california roll at Trader Joe's-thanks to Christy! Tonight a friend and I are going to go out and about in the great city of Charlotte...I'm pretty excited! :)

Like I said, this week has been absolutely crazy! It's been one of those weeks where I question what I'm doing here and begin wandering if I'm capable of handling all that's been given to me. It's been full of emotional ups and downs- no electricity, an unexpected death,heating problems, team stuff, more responsibilities, boy craziness, money issues...and I've only been back in Charlotte for 6 days!

On the flip side, there has been some wonderful things that have happened this week. Examples: I've grown closer to a friend at Elevation. She was there for me when all the craziness began and has continued to be a great support. It has been some beautiful bonding time! We had a girl over for dinner who is in the process of applying for Mission Year. It was a good time of hanging out and seeing the excitement she has about doing Mission Year in the fall. It helped remind me why I do what I do.

I had lunch with Queen!! It was the first time I'd seen her since Christmas break and it was so much fun! I just love her! Last night we had a guy over for dinner that is interested in Mission Year. I was amazed at his love for the inner city and the desire and passion he had for the homeless population. It was a really good refreshing conversation about issues I am interested in..and with someone my age! That doesn't happen often.

God is working here in Charlotte. I see His beauty and His work daily. He is here in the midst of the good and the bad. He is there to give me confidence when I don't think I can do it. He gives me the courage to do the things that I don't want or am too scared to do. He loves me even when I feel unloved. He has placed incredible people here in my life...people I never thought I would find in Charlotte-and I'm so thankful for that. Happy Friday everyone!!!

We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn.....

Currently I am sitting in a hotel room at Holiday Inn eating pizza(thanks Hubatka!), watching TV and hanging out with Sam and Jaimee. I came back to Charlotte last night and found that we had no electricity at our house-no good! Long story but there was a bit of miscommunication and all will be fixed tomorrow. I spent the night with a friend from Elevation and it was a fantastic time of chatting and hanging out! This morning I went to Elevation and it was so great to be back! I actually missed going to service there! Who would have ever thought I'd say that?!?! The sermon was really good and just what I needed to hear.

2010 has already proven to be crazy and full of unpredictable events.....and it's only January 3rd! I can't wait to see what all God has in store in the upcoming months! I had a wonderful time over Christmas break with all my family and friends. It was a much needed break and a time to think and reflect. There has been a lot going on lately and it was nice to have some time to talk through and think about some issues I have been dealing with.

I should probably go to sleep now.....back to work tomorrow! I'm excited! Good night!

This Chrismas

Merry Christmas everyone!! I can't believe another Christmas has come and gone! I was beyond excited to come to Indiana to hang out with my fam and celebrate Christmas and it's kinda sad to me that in 30 minutes it won't be Christmas for 365 more days! This Christmas has been a bit different for me than other one's on the past. Growing up causes somethings to change. I like change and adapt to it well, but there are things that I don't ever want to change and when they do, I have a hard time dealing. This Christmas was also very random for me. There were a few things that happened that were unexpected.

This was the first year we didn't see my grandma on Christmas Eve...she passed away earlier this year. We weren't that close but not seeing her, not getting another change purse (that I would never use) and not forcing myself to eat a piece of her(nasty) fruitcake was sad to me. We had Christmas with sister, Adam and Korbin three days before Christmas because of work and other family commitments. It was a lot of fun butI hated waking up this morning and not having Korbin here to open presents and to play with.

I sang O Holy Night last night at a Christmas Eve service at my parents church. Yes, I sang...by myself...in front of people! I hate singing in front of people so it was a huge deal for me. I got so nervous and scared-so silly of me! I may have volunteered myself (and my momma!) to be bell ringers for the Salvation Army! It was as awesome as it sounds! We got to wish people a Merry Christmas, ring bells and raise money for people in need....and wear cool aprons! I was getting bored with the same usual bell ringing so I jazzed it up a bit and decided to dance and sing-it worked! People actually gave money because of my dancing and singing! And no, the money wasn't for me to stop dancing-I was entertaining! :)

My poor lil Korbin has been sick the past couple of days and we've taken two trips to the ER. He had a 104.7 temp the first night and was just the most pathetic and saddest looking lil peanut you have ever since! We were actually at the ER til 4ish this morning because his temp wasn't staying down. After a couple chest xrays they determined he has pneumonia-so sad!

Fun news....I got a snuggie for Christmas!! Sooo excited! And yes, it is as comfy and practical as the cheesy commercials portray:) In fact, I'm wearing it right now and it's keeping me all warm and cozy!

Welp, off to bed I go. I hope everyone's Christmas was as wonderful, restful and fun as mine was! Sweet dreams!!

Emotional Mess

I cried today. I've cried many times the past few weeks, and not just a few tears but multiple tears rolling down my cheeks and at times borderline sobbing. For those of you who know me at all you know that I don't cry....especially in front of people. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I think it makes me look weak and vulnerable when I'm supposed to have it together, or maybe it's because I look a hot mess when it happens and who wants that?

Life has been crazy the past few weeks, not really bad, just busy and a lot going on. There have a been a few minor bumps in the road but nothing too major. So why the tears? Not really sure. Elevation sings a song that I absolutely love and it says, "I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart" and I think that is what God is doing. The past few years I have seen and been through a lot that has caused my heart to harden. I've become more cynical and judgmental about churches, the inner city, police, schools, and just people in general. I've built walls around my heart so I don't feel the hurt or the pain.There was so much sadness all around me that I forgot about hope, love, grace, God....all the good stuff.

Today at church Pastor Foo talked about money and tithing. Elevation is building a new campus and it is going to cost a ton of money to build and he is trying to get the congregation pumped up about giving...I'm sure I will talk about that another time. My heart is softening on that subject as well. Then he showed a video of Louie Gigilo reading a journal of a girls journey becoming a Christian. It was a beautiful story and I cried throughout the whole entire thing. I'm pretty sure 90% of the people in the room were also crying. I kinda forgot how beautiful it is to be a Christian. I no longer see God in the same way as a new Christian does. I take advantage of God's love and acceptance of me. At times I forget what Jesus went through when He died on the cross and because of His death and resurrection, I have been forgiven of all my ridiculousness and He loves me always not matter what.

I'm guessing this heart softening thing is going to continue and I'm excited about it! Hopefully I won't turn into an emotional hot mess, but I guess it's possible! On a fun note: Leroy comes tomorrow to visit, I'll be in Atlanta in 5 days and in Indiana in 6 days! Yay for friends and family! :)